Getting the "D"

Today I got up and went to work, I didn't want to, it was very cold, and I didn't feel well, but as usual I went. I stopped at Starbucks, since I have a gift card from the holidays and got a roisbus tea, then onto the office I went.

A lot of patients had cancelled, not sure why, some day's it just happens. Well... HE was supposed to have an appointment at 1, I usually call him to wake him up and remind him to come, but not today, I didn't think I needed to anymore, he's an adult, he can remember... I hoped he didn't after last night.

Well he showed up, the Dr took him back, I was taken back that he came, I didn't think he would... but there he was... he looked like hell, but then again, so did I.

The Dr left, it was the office manager, HIM and I in the office. He should have just left after his appointment and let me finish my work, but instead he stayed and insisted that I tell him what I wanted and he was priding at me for an answer so I broke and I told him it was over. He got mad, went to leave then came back and kept talking to me trying to tell me he loves me and we can work on it and this that and the other, it went back and forth for an hour... I hurt him, I didn't want to, but I have been hurting..

He told me I lied because I broke my vows... he told me I hurt him... he told me lots of things.. he said I don't care and I don't hurt... but he does not know how I'm feeling, he does not know how many tears I have shed and how his words affect me...

I am devastated, I didn't want a divorce when I said my vows, but it is what it is, and now... it's over... now he says he wants it to go smoothly... He called a Realtor, I refuse to sign with a Realtor and sell the house that way, we don't have any money as it is, I'm not selling the house through someone who will take more of the money we don't have... so that will be an argument... shit... I don't know what I'm doing or where to start... I've got a lawyer... that's all I know, I'd like to sleep forever now... I have no idea what the hell is happening, I'm spiraling downward in a dark hole..