I woke up at 8:45 this morning, and thought shit, I have to meet him in just over an hour... and the weather outside... well it wasn't cooperating. It has iced, then snowed, then it was icing again... A few moments went by and my phone went, it was him calling to make sure I was awake... of course I was awake...
I pulled on my favorite Free People tank, threw on my sweatshirt that says "Love" in big 70's looking bubble letters, and the jeans which have a broken zipper, I'm presuming it broke because of the weight I have gained... what a morning.
I went out coughing my lungs up, literally this thing that I have is finally coming out and I felt so sick I just wanted to stay in bed. I cleaned off my car and on my way I went, I stopped for gas, and after 45 min I made it.... thinking to myself that it was supposed to be a 15 min drive, and that I REALLY hate winter weather.
He was already there... we went in, didn't say to much to each other. The therapist was 15min late, so we sat in a bit of awkwardness, saying a few words, which felt like we were dancing in circles.
We went in and started talking, then it became more him and her talking, where she almost immediately diagnosed him with PTSD. Because I had said I didn't know what I wanted and such and because he's so screwed up and needs help she said he should see someone and marriage counseling isn't the way to go right now, and I'm talking to someone next week to try and figure out what I should do I guess?? I don't know it doesn't make sense to me, he wants me home but I don't want to go back right now...
I cried after, I think I was overwhelmed that someone diagnosed him and that he was going to get help, and with the fact that we are like this and not knowing myself where I should be or what to do...
I've been back here relaxing since... had some oatmeal (I love oatmeal!) and i've been hanging out with my brother because he goes back to South Carolina tomorrow, and i'm not sure when I will get to see him again... which sucks because he's one of my best friends.
On a plus side a have an audition Sunday for a hair show thats on Monday, and I think i'm going to be doing a lingere fashion show at half time during the Super Bowl, I have an interview for it, it's a contest and only 10 girls get to do it, so i'm hoping I get picked!! plus I could use the money and it's at one of my favorite sports bars! (best chicken wings ever!)
Anyways I should go be social with the family.
Love, peace, and gummie bears.
Emma
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
All I can say is, Story of my life!! You are so not alone in this. When you said that h wants you to come home but you are just not ready, you took the words righ out of my mouth!! Although I am the one at home and he is the one gone. I do want him to come home but not until I KNOW that he loves me and is in it for the long haul.
ReplyDeleteAlso i'll be keeping my fingers crossed that you get the job, and I must say I am jelous of your body even though I have never seen it!! Jk LoL
Girl, You said it!!!
ReplyDeleteThe whole situation sucks, and not knowing what the right thing to do is sucks even more. I know I love him, I just don't know if I am in love with him anymore. I don't really feel anything when we kiss, and we haven't had sex in months, mostly because I havent wanted him to touch me.
I care though, I wish I didn't part of me wishes I could hate him, but I don't... I wish I didn't care I wish something would just happen to let me know what was the right thing to do...
This is exactly how I feel!!! Sometimes I wish he would just cheat on me or something and then it would be a clear cut decision.
BTW~ You can delete this comment if this is too much inforation posted.
I didn't see an e-mail for you and you said it best!!
My e-mail is amyfichtner@att.net e-mail me anytime!!
Oh my goodness, girl. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you continue to find strength and support from your friends and family.
ReplyDelete