Emma and Eating Disorders

I have dealt with eating disorders for as long as I can remember... OK, well since about the 8th grade... that's when I remember... that's when I remember stopping eating, becoming anorexic... I would eat 1 thing a day, and I would go home from school and say I had a huge lunch... and not eat dinner.. I would go months like this, I would then get into trouble on the weekends when I was with family or with my boyfriends... so then.... I started binging....

Binging seemed so much easier, because it was easier to hide, I could eat a little more and no one would say anything, unlike when I didn't eat at all... and I always drank a lot of water, so I always had to pee... so going to the bathroom was an easy way out... to binge that is...

After a while it became a thing that came in phases... I wouldn't for a while... then all of a sudden, uncontrollably out of no where, I would start again...

I am in this phase now... I'm not sure when it started exactly, but it's been over a week... I know I've done it at least 3 times this week, including tonight, and I can't stop myself when I get the urge... and neither can anyone else... and I know people are going to read this and tell me to stop, but please don't, I'm writing for me, not you, and it doesn't help when you tell me to stop, I will stop when it urge goes away... that's just how it is.

UGH.. it doesn't help that I physically can't go to the gym right now due to my body being in so much pain... it doesn't help that I constantly judge how I look and compare myself to the other girls at the studio who have killer bodys, but this is me, take it or leave it... it's who I am, thank you and good night.