SO I have been thinking about blogging for days, but part of me feels like this blog was a tool, and a great one at that, to get me through my divorce... and now that it's over I don't need it as much... and sometimes I find it hard to write and just stare at a blank screen and give up... and for a writer, well that's no good!

So I've met the most fabulous guy... but he is moving to FL... while I know part of him would want me to go with he wants me to do what's best for me, which is obvi. finishing school... another year of it and I'm done... then I have to figure out what's next, which is what I've been busy trying to do lately.

I've been working out a lot, and riding a lot... Gemini is doing awesome, we are going to a jumpers show on Sunday, hopefully it doesn't rain all day... my board is going up to $400 a month come July... I need another job, a leaser who pays on time and actually shows up to ride... and to not loose him if I'm going to stay in NH... he's the only thing keeping me here... once I head to Law or Grad, or Chiropractor school I will most likely have to sell him... but it came as a shock to the system this morning when I realized how soon I could actually have to let him go...
:(

Other than small annoyances things have been going well, I've been super happy, and I can't complain to much about things... I don't know whats going on with my job for the summer, I know my hours are getting cut, and changing, but my boss wont get his act together and he doesn't seem to get that I start classes in 2 weeks... (summer) so he needs to get with the program... anyways I'm in class so I better take some notes... final is next week! eek!

Back from the... well where ever it was I went?

So it's been a few months and a lot has happened, but right now I don't feel like questions or like thinking for that matter... I have a fever again, I thought it was gone, it had finally broke yesterday... I don't get fevers... like less than 20 in my life and i'm almost 24... so obvi. i'm fighting something... but I still have no health insurance due to the divorce... lame. I can't actually get any till the divorce decree is in hand, which should be this week, or next... this week if i'm lucky because this whole feeling ok, then being out of it the rest of the day, well it's for the birds.

I don't even feel sick, just allergies with a fever?? wtf?! who gets that? apparently I do...

Well I have a lot to say, but as I said, I do not wish to think right now... I may call it a night... and just see you all in the morning.

Emma and Eating Disorders

I have dealt with eating disorders for as long as I can remember... OK, well since about the 8th grade... that's when I remember... that's when I remember stopping eating, becoming anorexic... I would eat 1 thing a day, and I would go home from school and say I had a huge lunch... and not eat dinner.. I would go months like this, I would then get into trouble on the weekends when I was with family or with my boyfriends... so then.... I started binging....

Binging seemed so much easier, because it was easier to hide, I could eat a little more and no one would say anything, unlike when I didn't eat at all... and I always drank a lot of water, so I always had to pee... so going to the bathroom was an easy way out... to binge that is...

After a while it became a thing that came in phases... I wouldn't for a while... then all of a sudden, uncontrollably out of no where, I would start again...

I am in this phase now... I'm not sure when it started exactly, but it's been over a week... I know I've done it at least 3 times this week, including tonight, and I can't stop myself when I get the urge... and neither can anyone else... and I know people are going to read this and tell me to stop, but please don't, I'm writing for me, not you, and it doesn't help when you tell me to stop, I will stop when it urge goes away... that's just how it is.

UGH.. it doesn't help that I physically can't go to the gym right now due to my body being in so much pain... it doesn't help that I constantly judge how I look and compare myself to the other girls at the studio who have killer bodys, but this is me, take it or leave it... it's who I am, thank you and good night.

I'm just a goof looking for my ball

So I've been thinking...

Yep, again, always, but it's on the same topic at least... relationships!

I know I am ready for one, to be happy in one... but I keep asking myself the same thing... how do I know when I meet the person I should be with? last time it clearly turned out to be a disaster. I believe that relationships are built on trust, and my goodness I trusted so much, I don't want to give someone my all and be torn down slowly again without realizing it.

So trust, maybe it wont be an issue, who knows... I just miss lots of things, some things I never even had in my prior relationship... I miss having someone to hold, and someone to hold me.. someone to be there when I'm sick or just feeling blue... someone to cook for and spoil... because I'm a giver and I love to spoil people... I always have. I miss having someone to lay in bed with all day, someone to come home to, or someone to wait up for... it's like their is a void in my life... and I can't help but feel as if I'm like Rapunzel trapped in her tower, waiting for her prince charming to come along. (without the long hair of course)

Maybe I sound stupid right now, who knows, but I don't really care... this whole being single thing is over rated... I've got friends telling me to enjoy it and to sleep with as many people as I can, but that's not me... I've got guys after me who want to go on dates or hook up... well none of them have been worth my time yet... I was hurt by the first one I started having any kind of feelings for, and the second one, well, I can't even talk about that one right now... because I'm pretty sure I screwed that one up just by talking.

I'm not even sure how to meet people.. I refuse to pick up a guy in a bar, that's just not something I will do, plus I'm not a huge bar fan, I avoid going... no guys ride... there aren't any guys who are remotely attractive who I want to talk to in my classes... and most of the guys from school seem to be either taken, not what I'm looking for, or just really boring...

I wish I could just be given a sign, and know when and what was right, because this whole thing is awkward and frustrating... and I want to be in a relationship, I've been ready for something new, for someone new, for so long.... someone to be myself around, neurotic as I can sometimes be, I know I'm a lot to handle at times, but I'm also a good person... with a lot to offer... I keep thinking of the match.com commercial where the lady says "I'm just a goof looking for my ball" because really that sums it up...

Prince Charming must have or be...

So... I've been on some dates... and I've done a lot of thinking about what I want in a relationship and in a guy... and here's what I've come up with...

Prince Charming must have or be...

• A degree, and an education is a must...
• Be my intellectual equivalent at least, if not more
• Maybe a democrat...
• Be witty
• Charming
• Kind
• Sophisticated
• Have a great sense of humor
• Understanding
• A personality
• Goals in life
• Friends, no more Mr lonely boy for me
• sorry, but I think... no more military men for me, 1 was enough
• Spontaneous
• Willing to try new things
• Smart
• A little wild
• Someone who likes to go out, but who also likes to stay in
• A friend
• A lover
• Someone who isn't afraid to speak his mind
• Someone who likes animals
• Someone who likes to be spoiled and spoil me as well...
• Someone who gets me, and still loves me for me, and sticks by me, no matter what.
• A person who never puts me down and believes in me

And I really don't mind if he looks like a frog... or a prince... I wonder if he is out there... somewhere... I just want to eventually, one day, find him, and be happy again...

OBNOXIOUS-I just like the way it rolls off the tounge

So... I didn't go to work today, it sucked calling in because my boss got pissed firstly, and secondly because he doesn't have a real fill in person, so he called the girl who works Mon afternoons right now, she said she could work, then she said she couldn't so I was going to have to go in... then 5 min later I get a 3rd call saying never mind the girl who works Thurs afternoon will work... they work other jobs or go to school further away... but it's like, if I have an issue, it shouldn't be my issue on top of that to have to work or figure out his problem, he should have someone he can call in these situations. I am not full time, I do not make nearly enough, I am over qualified, and hell, I also go to school, and I can't afford to be out of everything...

Which I am right now... I went to the Dr, she was not happy with how I was... she took a ton of blood.. I got home and the lab called saying they forgot to run a test and can I come back to get it done in the next few days... sure why not... I will go tomorrow... because we all know I LOVE getting blood done, it doesn't make me want to pass out or anything, it doesn't hurt, I don't have obnoxious veins that never want to give blood... haha right. I don't know why I am being so sarcastic... excuse me, I'm in pain and it's making me a little bitchy. I wish I had a teddy bear, flowers, apple juice, a movie, and maybe even someone to cuddle with, because that would be nice... but... I don't. What I do have is water... an obnoxious cat who keeps biting me, and... yea that's about it.

This is for the birds.. I hope in all the blood work they figure something out... I am so sick of this... an answer would be lovely.

Untitled

Just a girl in this crazy world
Trying to figure out where I belong
Which path to take- Which road to follow-
Not sure what's right,
Not sure where I’m going
Just following the tunnel,
Looking for the light.