You Were All I Needed

10:43 pm... I should be asleep, instead I am sitting in the dark in the common room of Josh's new apartment crying, alone.

Alone, hurt, hurting, I'm wondering why I made this journey, why I came on this trip... I love him, and he loves me, I'm committed to him, and well, he Say's he is committed to me, so why is it then that for the next 13 months he can't even try to stay with me during his graduate program?

It's not me, I've done long distance twice, I know it's not the easiest thing in the world but I also know it can work. He tells me how wonderful I am, tells me he loves me in front of everyone, but I suppose none of that means anything when I actually think about it, I mean how can you be so in love with someone yet because you are scared of failing and so set on doing well at something be willing to hurt that person so terribly and let go of what may be your one shot at true love?

I am not sure I can stay here another week as planned, I had to leave the room, he asked "you're not leaving are you?" he wants me here... he wants me... yet he is forcing me to leave and hurt more than ever, when all I can think is that our time together has made me the happiest person on the East coast, and made me realize that life really is wonderful and full of surprises. Or so I was beginning to think.

He seems to think anything other than just school will get in his way... I'm not sure how I can get in his way from 1,000 miles distance... I am not the type to call and text 1000 times a day for each mile we are apart, I an not crazy, I have done long distance before and deal with it very well, and 1,000 miles is easy compared to what I've done.

This has NOTHING to do with me, it has to do with his insecurities, yet it's killing me, absolutely tearing me apart. He thinks I don't get it and that I don't understand and says I'm making this hard on him, well guess what buddy, you are making this hard it could be so easy. Love this strong is simple, and isn't meant to be messed with or thrown away.

Hello world, care to listen?

First let me say... YUM! another delish meal I have made, in little to no time, from scratch, and it's so good, to bad I'm here eating it alone, I wish I could pass you the plate, whoever you are. What did I make? well haha you see... I had simply had the last piece of gluten free cake at Josh's house this morning after the gym... yes cake after the gym, I know I know! not the way to do it, but it was made just for me, and amazingly well... amazing!

So I eventually came home.. and napped... and I woke up and behold... dinner time... and no one is here... and there is no real food... no eggs.... no meat defrosted... wonderful, pasta it is... and behold again, no pasta sauce...

No biggie I think, I will make a goat cheese vinaigrette... not enough goat cheese to do so... get creative E get creative...

Dash of walnut vinegar, pear infuser vinegar, balsamic vinegar, horse radish, Dijon muster, small jar of tomato paste, salt, peeper, dash of oil, dash of H20, quick moment on the stove and whats left of the goat cheese, one cut up tomato, and POOF! a lovely tomato sauce over gluten free Pennie! SUCCESS! though some sausage or chicken would have gone nicely...

Anyways... on to real life... if I must...?

Let's see... It's been a rough month... I got suspended for a semester for school, yes me, the A/B student, who has never been in trouble for ANYTHING, never had a detention, never does anything wrong, the overachiever, ME!

WHY!?!? because I was forced to take this arbitrary math class, which note, was not a math class, it was a bizarre form of philosophy called logic, let's get that clear NOW. I knew off the bat with my Brain injury it wasn't going to be a good class for me, but the dean didn't give a rat's ass.

I was also going through my divorce, sick, and living between two houses at the time, and working full time... I had tryed to drop this course, they would not let me, so I ended up failing because after doing so poorly at mid-terms and the professor telling me there was no way I could pass, I stopped going, it was ridiculous that they wouldn't let me withdraw, especially since I never wanted to take the class to start, it was like I was set up to fail.

Anyways there is nothing I can do... I applied for another school... but it's cutting it very close so I am taking the semester off, and working, and have decided to road trip to move Josh to school since I was going out to see my friend for a long weekend down where he is going anyways.

Not a week passed before more bad news... my lovely 16 1/2 year old cat walked into the room on a Tuesday night when we were all playing Wii, and I saw it, a giant lump on her chin that had not been there that morning and I knew instantly what it was. By the next morning it had doubled in size, we took her to the vet, and like I thought, it was carcinoma of the jaw, untreatable without removing the jaw... we put her down... the hardest thing I've ever had to do... I held her while she went in piece, and Josh held me.

Other than all that, my aunt is dying of heart failure, I have not been able to sell the horse due to the economy, the house I owned with my ex, well still own it, the bank is taking their sweet time getting back to us with an answer with the short sale and we keep loosing our interested buyers, so bye bye credit.... ugh...

I am going away for a long weekend, I leave Thursday, it can't come soon enough!

Rain... You Make Things Worse

The lady didn't come today... it rained and rained, then rained some more... I have a bit of interest in him from a few others, so I'm hoping something happens as much as it's killing me... because...

A) I've already been distancing myself
B) I'm already depressed over the situation

I was up most of last night crying, because I realized this time, this was it, I have no choice but to sell... then thinking about him and everything he means to me and what I've been through with him... and how much of my heart that horse has.

Today was exhausting, work dragged on, I was just thinking about him, wondering when the lady would call or if she would in the rain to try him... but the rain was bad... and she's a vet so her schedule is crazy...

I came home and passed out for a while... I wish Jesh was here to cuddle tonight.. we had plans then he kinda decided he was going to play poker and that was that... so OK... that's usually fine with me... but tonight... I REALLY just want to cuddle... no such luck... I'm on my own.

Anyways... back to try and sleep I guess... hopefully no night mares of wierd dreams... just blank REM sleep would be great tonight.

On selling a horse

I knew goodbye would be hard, but I'm not even there yet. I haven't even sold Gemini yet, but tonight, just talking to this potential buyer made me all of a sudden break down and ball my eyes out.

Unless you have had a horse, actually owned one for as long as I have, and had that connection, then you can't understand the bond, and the things I am feeling. Since my horse was 3 I have had him, trained him, been with him.

Together we have grown, competed together, been through break ups, deaths, illnesses, injuries... the ups and downs of life... and now... because I can't afford it... because I don't have all the time I had before... because the divorce screwed me a bit financially... because of this, that and the other... I am forced to sell... the biggest piece of my heart..

First of all... where is the sun? it's summer isn't it? I haven't seen the sun in weeks, it really would be nice... even if it only came out on Tuesdays... my day off... ha ha... I'd like to go to the beach... at least once?!

Now that I got that out of my system... I'd like to congratulate my best friend in the entire world on her fantastic news, that her baby will not be born with downs, it WILL be healthy, I LOVE YOU DEAR, and I'm always here for you!!! it was wonderful spending the day with you, hang in there, call whenever, you are amazing!

Summer classes- I got A's in two of them, the third ends on Aug 3rd, and I am so ready to be done with it!!! ugh

Work- I am working two jobs, but I want to quit one, my boss is becoming more and more of an egotistical ass who treats me like shit, though I could run his business and he talks of me taking over one day, everyone else has more hours now, thought a few months ago I worked the most other than him.. I am underpaid and not at all respected...

On relationships-I have started weeding out friends, figuring out who is worth my time, and who uses me, and who basically sucks...

The man I have been seeing for almost 3 months now is absolutely amazing... and I hate to say it but I am seriously falling... in love... I wont tell him... for two reasons... I don't want to know if he doesn't feel the same... and I don't know if I am ready for that word to be out there again, once it is things change... I mean... should I? and if not... how long should I wait if it's how I feel? he moves in Sept to FL but we plan on making it work... he has never been in a long distance relationship before, but I have, twice... and they were both 4 to 6 year relationships, but we really want it to work... any advice?? no one has ever treated me this well or made me feel this way...

Driving myself batty

So, i'm not sure what is wrong with me, but for a few weks now i've had this sad feeling, I can't get rid of, I don't know what it even is... but it wont go away, sometimes I just want to curl up and cry, but I don't allow myself to do so.

I wish I could figure it out, but there really is no apparent reason for the way I am feeling... and I know people pick up on it, because it changes me... maybe it's partly the wall I've put up.. maybe it's all the rain and miserable weather, or maybe I'm just crazy.

I know last night I couldn't sleep, I'm worrying about something silly... his best friend... female, who comes home this week... I know she is worried about me and thinks she wont get to see him, but to me that's strange as shes not been living here or in the picture...

I guess I worry that like in the movies he will realize she's the one he wants to be with, I went to HS with her and while I don't "know" her those who do just tell me how nice she is... he's excited for her to come home and to see her... I just don't know if I can hide being jealous and worried, but I don't think its wise to say anything.... not with everything else I am feeling for him...

Honestly I'm so happy I met him, and he makes me so happy... I think I'm so scared to loose that or eff it up I'm driving myself batty.

So much has been going on I can hardly keep up... I don't know where to start, but I feel as if i'm loosing control. I'm putting up walls as to not let people in past a certian point, to protect my heart I suppose... tonight for the first time since January I cried, and I cried hard, I don't even know why, maybe all the stress of life maybe to much time to think, maybe finally being happy, but being to scared to take the wall down to let love in I don't know...

I'm sure he think's i'm crazy now... I am aren't I... I don't know... I just want to keep crying and as I hold the rest of the tears back I feel my body start to overheat...

I should explain better, but my mind can not fully comprehend at this moment, so another day, another day I will explain...for now... here come the tears and hopefully sleep to follow...

SO I have been thinking about blogging for days, but part of me feels like this blog was a tool, and a great one at that, to get me through my divorce... and now that it's over I don't need it as much... and sometimes I find it hard to write and just stare at a blank screen and give up... and for a writer, well that's no good!

So I've met the most fabulous guy... but he is moving to FL... while I know part of him would want me to go with he wants me to do what's best for me, which is obvi. finishing school... another year of it and I'm done... then I have to figure out what's next, which is what I've been busy trying to do lately.

I've been working out a lot, and riding a lot... Gemini is doing awesome, we are going to a jumpers show on Sunday, hopefully it doesn't rain all day... my board is going up to $400 a month come July... I need another job, a leaser who pays on time and actually shows up to ride... and to not loose him if I'm going to stay in NH... he's the only thing keeping me here... once I head to Law or Grad, or Chiropractor school I will most likely have to sell him... but it came as a shock to the system this morning when I realized how soon I could actually have to let him go...
:(

Other than small annoyances things have been going well, I've been super happy, and I can't complain to much about things... I don't know whats going on with my job for the summer, I know my hours are getting cut, and changing, but my boss wont get his act together and he doesn't seem to get that I start classes in 2 weeks... (summer) so he needs to get with the program... anyways I'm in class so I better take some notes... final is next week! eek!

Back from the... well where ever it was I went?

So it's been a few months and a lot has happened, but right now I don't feel like questions or like thinking for that matter... I have a fever again, I thought it was gone, it had finally broke yesterday... I don't get fevers... like less than 20 in my life and i'm almost 24... so obvi. i'm fighting something... but I still have no health insurance due to the divorce... lame. I can't actually get any till the divorce decree is in hand, which should be this week, or next... this week if i'm lucky because this whole feeling ok, then being out of it the rest of the day, well it's for the birds.

I don't even feel sick, just allergies with a fever?? wtf?! who gets that? apparently I do...

Well I have a lot to say, but as I said, I do not wish to think right now... I may call it a night... and just see you all in the morning.

Emma and Eating Disorders

I have dealt with eating disorders for as long as I can remember... OK, well since about the 8th grade... that's when I remember... that's when I remember stopping eating, becoming anorexic... I would eat 1 thing a day, and I would go home from school and say I had a huge lunch... and not eat dinner.. I would go months like this, I would then get into trouble on the weekends when I was with family or with my boyfriends... so then.... I started binging....

Binging seemed so much easier, because it was easier to hide, I could eat a little more and no one would say anything, unlike when I didn't eat at all... and I always drank a lot of water, so I always had to pee... so going to the bathroom was an easy way out... to binge that is...

After a while it became a thing that came in phases... I wouldn't for a while... then all of a sudden, uncontrollably out of no where, I would start again...

I am in this phase now... I'm not sure when it started exactly, but it's been over a week... I know I've done it at least 3 times this week, including tonight, and I can't stop myself when I get the urge... and neither can anyone else... and I know people are going to read this and tell me to stop, but please don't, I'm writing for me, not you, and it doesn't help when you tell me to stop, I will stop when it urge goes away... that's just how it is.

UGH.. it doesn't help that I physically can't go to the gym right now due to my body being in so much pain... it doesn't help that I constantly judge how I look and compare myself to the other girls at the studio who have killer bodys, but this is me, take it or leave it... it's who I am, thank you and good night.

I'm just a goof looking for my ball

So I've been thinking...

Yep, again, always, but it's on the same topic at least... relationships!

I know I am ready for one, to be happy in one... but I keep asking myself the same thing... how do I know when I meet the person I should be with? last time it clearly turned out to be a disaster. I believe that relationships are built on trust, and my goodness I trusted so much, I don't want to give someone my all and be torn down slowly again without realizing it.

So trust, maybe it wont be an issue, who knows... I just miss lots of things, some things I never even had in my prior relationship... I miss having someone to hold, and someone to hold me.. someone to be there when I'm sick or just feeling blue... someone to cook for and spoil... because I'm a giver and I love to spoil people... I always have. I miss having someone to lay in bed with all day, someone to come home to, or someone to wait up for... it's like their is a void in my life... and I can't help but feel as if I'm like Rapunzel trapped in her tower, waiting for her prince charming to come along. (without the long hair of course)

Maybe I sound stupid right now, who knows, but I don't really care... this whole being single thing is over rated... I've got friends telling me to enjoy it and to sleep with as many people as I can, but that's not me... I've got guys after me who want to go on dates or hook up... well none of them have been worth my time yet... I was hurt by the first one I started having any kind of feelings for, and the second one, well, I can't even talk about that one right now... because I'm pretty sure I screwed that one up just by talking.

I'm not even sure how to meet people.. I refuse to pick up a guy in a bar, that's just not something I will do, plus I'm not a huge bar fan, I avoid going... no guys ride... there aren't any guys who are remotely attractive who I want to talk to in my classes... and most of the guys from school seem to be either taken, not what I'm looking for, or just really boring...

I wish I could just be given a sign, and know when and what was right, because this whole thing is awkward and frustrating... and I want to be in a relationship, I've been ready for something new, for someone new, for so long.... someone to be myself around, neurotic as I can sometimes be, I know I'm a lot to handle at times, but I'm also a good person... with a lot to offer... I keep thinking of the match.com commercial where the lady says "I'm just a goof looking for my ball" because really that sums it up...

Prince Charming must have or be...

So... I've been on some dates... and I've done a lot of thinking about what I want in a relationship and in a guy... and here's what I've come up with...

Prince Charming must have or be...

• A degree, and an education is a must...
• Be my intellectual equivalent at least, if not more
• Maybe a democrat...
• Be witty
• Charming
• Kind
• Sophisticated
• Have a great sense of humor
• Understanding
• A personality
• Goals in life
• Friends, no more Mr lonely boy for me
• sorry, but I think... no more military men for me, 1 was enough
• Spontaneous
• Willing to try new things
• Smart
• A little wild
• Someone who likes to go out, but who also likes to stay in
• A friend
• A lover
• Someone who isn't afraid to speak his mind
• Someone who likes animals
• Someone who likes to be spoiled and spoil me as well...
• Someone who gets me, and still loves me for me, and sticks by me, no matter what.
• A person who never puts me down and believes in me

And I really don't mind if he looks like a frog... or a prince... I wonder if he is out there... somewhere... I just want to eventually, one day, find him, and be happy again...

OBNOXIOUS-I just like the way it rolls off the tounge

So... I didn't go to work today, it sucked calling in because my boss got pissed firstly, and secondly because he doesn't have a real fill in person, so he called the girl who works Mon afternoons right now, she said she could work, then she said she couldn't so I was going to have to go in... then 5 min later I get a 3rd call saying never mind the girl who works Thurs afternoon will work... they work other jobs or go to school further away... but it's like, if I have an issue, it shouldn't be my issue on top of that to have to work or figure out his problem, he should have someone he can call in these situations. I am not full time, I do not make nearly enough, I am over qualified, and hell, I also go to school, and I can't afford to be out of everything...

Which I am right now... I went to the Dr, she was not happy with how I was... she took a ton of blood.. I got home and the lab called saying they forgot to run a test and can I come back to get it done in the next few days... sure why not... I will go tomorrow... because we all know I LOVE getting blood done, it doesn't make me want to pass out or anything, it doesn't hurt, I don't have obnoxious veins that never want to give blood... haha right. I don't know why I am being so sarcastic... excuse me, I'm in pain and it's making me a little bitchy. I wish I had a teddy bear, flowers, apple juice, a movie, and maybe even someone to cuddle with, because that would be nice... but... I don't. What I do have is water... an obnoxious cat who keeps biting me, and... yea that's about it.

This is for the birds.. I hope in all the blood work they figure something out... I am so sick of this... an answer would be lovely.

Untitled

Just a girl in this crazy world
Trying to figure out where I belong
Which path to take- Which road to follow-
Not sure what's right,
Not sure where I’m going
Just following the tunnel,
Looking for the light.

Weekend Craziness Captured!

And it would be so much easier if I could feel nothing at all...

So, again, I am in a funk, and I'm not sure why. I had a great night, I went out with friends and it was awesome, but now, I'm back in the slump... or still in it... I never really got out of it... I never really wanted to go out... there I said it, but I wanted to see my friend K. So I went, then I kept going out, hopping around, and I had a fucking great time, I did, but the slump is still here.

I also feel like hell, and not because I went out last night... I've been having some issues, that apparently could actually be something, but I didn't think anything of it. I've been getting these crazy bruises but they don't hurt, it's been happening for a while now, but I thought nothing of it... so the bruising... I am ALWAYS tired.. like I want to sleep ALL the time, which isn't like me, it's getting hard to get through the day... and then there is the dizziness and hot sweats... and no I'm not in menopause haha I just start feeling so sick and spinning and I get so hot and man it sucks... then theres the shaking where it feels like my muscles are contracting and just wont quit... and it's freaky. The last part is the numbness/tingling in my hands and feet, mostly in my hands... it sucks, it's been pretty constant the past few days, it lasted about 8 hours yesterday, and right now while it's not as bad as yesterday, they are sure tingling!

So I am going to call the rhemetologist.. because my mom wants me to get blood work done, though it's been less than 6months since it was last done, she's worried I could have Lupus...http://www.lupus.org/newsite/index.html my mom has it.. and sometimes I feel like a time bomb because they are always checking me, since it can be genetic, and I have Fribromyalgia...

What else... slump... I'm trying to write this paper, and I love to write, I'm interested in the topic, and I can't write.. I clearly have no problem writing and getting my thoughts out, so why can't I write the paper?

Then there is the issue of jerkfacewhoIwishIcouldhatesomuchbutIjustcan't... he keeps calling, and now I answer, and we talk, and part of me misses him, though it's over and it will always be, it does hurt, I am over the anger, though he keeps lying to me, I am still sad, because I went through so much with him... and I just... I think maybe when it's all over I should end communication with him, as hard as it will be on both of us... I think I have to...

He is having surgery on the 2rd... nothing big, just having his ear tubes replaced... and I feel I should be there, but I wont be... he is having such a hard time with his PTSD but again, it's not my problem, it's his... but I care and I hate it I want to hate him I want to not care I want to just not give a fuck... he's moving... to Orlando. I think that will be a good thing, I don't see him, I haven't, we have just talked, but I want to stop, as soon as it's legal and over.. it has to, because it's slowly killing me... ripping my heart apart... he was so verbally abusive and it was so bad... but he really did have my heart for so long... he lost it so long ago... but I think he took part with him that I will never get back.

Did you ever...

Do you ever walk around feeling like you don't belong to yourself? like you just want to break down and cry, but you have absolutly no idea why? you can't think straight, but your thinking so fast about so many things the room starts to spin, and right then and there you wish you could scream because the feeling is so intense that you just have to stop what your doing and get away?

I don't know why, but I feel this way today. I am also tired, I feel a little sick, but I don't know why, maybe because I forgot to take my vitamins for a few days... I CAN'T get sick... that is not allowed, it just doesn't fit in my crazy schedule.

Ugh... I don't think I can even write, right now, I will come back later and have another go at this, maybe I will feel better after a nap or something...

Pain in the KNEE

So before the vicodine kicks in... if it does... I figured I would write something about my unproductive day. This morning I had such a hard time waking up, I was exhausted, but I didn't go to sleep till almost 2 last night, I just couldn't...

Work was fine, nothing special, short day due to class... I actually ate at school, I didn't feel well and thought it might help... and there is this sandwich I have them make into a salad for me, and it's always good... so I had that... I was full and feeling like crap then. I have been in so much pain with my knee all day, and I keep feeling like my leg is on fire in random places.. I'm not sure why, I have never had this sensation before... it makes me want to cry... at our second break I attempted to leave without the professor noticing, but I could hardly walk, so she saw me sitting in the hall...

She offered ice, and to arrange for my leg to be up in class, but I felt so ill from the pain I needed out of there, I was overheating and felt trapped, and the burning in my leg, as it is now was so intense.... I felt bad. She was worried about me driving, as was I, it's not my driving leg, and thank goodness I don't drive a standard... driving still was painful having my leg the way it sits in my car.

As soon as I got home I took one vicodine, I can take 1-2, I took another not long ago, because after 40 min of nothing, I was told by my nurse friend to take the other... gosh this burning is bad, pain.. burning.. shit... I may not even get up for dinner tonight... glad I ate today!

I am going to the orthopedic in the morning, at least I can now say the pain is consistant and doesn't go away, but on the other hand... THE PAIN WONT GO AWAY AND IT'S GETTING WORSE! Lame... this blows..

I am still planning on going to Pebody tomorrow night... we are just going to dinner as far as I know, then hanging out for a while... Sat night I think the bar will be ok, I will just sit there, and if I need to put my leg up on another chair I will, and if I need to leave, well then I will have to, but I AM going to meet my friend for 9 at least, and hopefully people wont get there too much after and I wont stay too late, this shit sucks...

I'm just nervous about needing another surgery as my insurance runs out the 2nd and i'm having issues getting on another plan... my parents are working on getting me back on theirs till i'm 26, which would give me just under 2 1/2 years... so cross your fingers... I need it by the 3rd! I can't not have it with my meds and such!!!


I am going to drink my tea and try to nap or something... I may write later..

xoxo
E

Cold As You- Tatlor Swift

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight 'cause I need to feel something
and you do what you want 'cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you
Died for you...

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Oh every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

oooh oh oh ohh

One Lame Duck.

The girl is here! yep! I am, it's been a long two days, I'm not sure why, I'm just so tired. It most likely has to do with the insane amount of pain I am in with my knee...

So... yesterday I went into work late... we are talking 11... because I went to the Dr, which was a huge waste of time, because they are sending me to my old orthopedic, which I asked them over the phone before I went if I should just go see him... but no, come in they said... they then took x-rays, well obviously nothing would show up because there was no broken bone... when I looked all I could see was some fluid around the knee... sweet.

So I worked 11-7... after being at work a little while I get a text... cancelling the plans to last night and saying "call when your out of work and I will explain" from the same person who the night before said we needed to talk, so I'm thinking, what gives right? I told him to just tell me, through text, I didn't care at this point, it was so immature what he was doing, I was so over ever thinking I might like him. Well it was what I thought, he's trying to get back with his ex, big freeking whoop!!! he had told me he didn't want a relationship, and he wanted to be friends, which is what I thought we were, but I guess he can't have friends who are girls and a not gf who he wants to be his gf or some shit. SO I told him nice meeting you, if you ever want to be friends you know where I'm at, good luck with the ex have a nice day. He said thanks for being so mature about it, I laughed I was like err right, why would I care one way or another?

I came home after work, which I was just as happy to do, I've been so tired, I passed out somewhat early last night... woke up very early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep... went to the gym and lifted since I can't do cardio with my knee... napped.. showered... ate... went to class.. then ate a ton when I got home.. I just want to sleep and eat this week... I'm like a hibernating bear ha!

Anyways... time for bed... work and class tomorrow... then work Friday... then seeing friends most of the weekend and maybe starting my paper on Sunday...

Chow!